Driving in Spain can be… an experience.
So in this article, I’m here to help — by doing everything wrong.

If you’d prefer to watch the video, click the pic below

Right. Pay attention.
I’ve been driving for years, so obviously I know exactly what I’m doing.

Before we start, a quick disclaimer — apparently I have to write this.

This is a work of satire.
Everything you’re about to read is spectacularly bad driving advice.
Do not copy it.
Do not screenshot it.
Do not show it to your driving instructor
and under no circumstances say, ‘but this bloke on YouTube said—’

That’s enough of that bollox – if you want to drive in Spain properly — you’ve come to the right place.

SECTION 1 – The BIG RULES

1. How many pints of beer should you drink before you get in the car? Well, there are no strict rules, but 2 or 3 should loosen you up enough
2. Driving is the perfect time to send text messages, sort out your playlist, and have a chat on the phone with your mates
3. Indicators are there… but what’s the point of using them?
4. Drive really close to the car in front. Why? Because it’s fun, and my reflexes are razor sharp anyway so what’s the problem, eh! Have you got a problem?
5. When the car behind is too close, “teach them a lesson” – tap your brake pedal to make them panic, then burn them off

SECTION 2 – Positive aggression

1. Always take corners on the racing line – go in wide, then whip round as fast as you can
2. Use full beam. As much as possible.
   And if someone flashes you? Dip your headlights, then wait until they’re nearly level, and revenge full beam.
3. Speed limits are more of a vibe than a rule
4. ‘Slam on the anchors’ whenever something surprises you – whenever you feel like it really
5. Once you’ve overtaken someone, pull back in quickly and really close

SECTION 3 – Roads are a Battlefield

1. Drive really slowly onto motorways to keep everyone alert
2. Don’t let other cars overtake you, especially on the narrow country roads — speed up on the straight bits if they try it
3. Take up the whole road; it’s safer if no one can get past you
4. If you’re approaching your exit on the motorway, overtake as many cars as possible, then pull across two lanes at the last moment

SECTION 4 – Roundabouts = Anarchy!

1. Roundabouts should be treated like a lottery, only with much more chance of winning
2. Cut across roundabouts — efficiency matters
3. Park on the roundabouts when it’s necessary – if there are more than two lanes there’s plenty of room for everyone

SECTION 5 – Corners, Bins & Stuff

1. Overtake bicycles when approaching a corner
2. Always stop on blind corners to take photos
3. When you’re emptying your bins, don’t park in the space provided, you’ve got places to be — stop on the road, doors open, engine running, easy
4. Double parking is your privilege.
   Try triple parking if you’ve got a nice car like me – I drive to be seen.

SECTION 6 – Road Rules Are Decorative

1. Traffic lights are just for decoration really, nudge your way into the traffic, then floor it
2. When approaching speed cameras: brake sharply, even if you’re already driving slowly, and stay about 20-30 Kph less than the speed limit until you’re safely away – then floor it!
3. Safety lights and triangles are a load of crap, you can’t see them in the sunshine anyway

SECTION 7 – Final Word: You’re the boss

1. Complain about Spanish drivers as much as possible
2. Don’t let anyone get the better of you — block, swerve, dominate
3. When picking someone up from their house: never get out of the car
   Blast your horn for about 30 seconds, that’s what they’re for, then pause for two seconds.
   And repeat until success is achieved.
4. If anyone complains… well, that’s their problem. 
5. You are the boss – by which I mean, I am the boss
6. The faster the car you drive, the better you are – so get a BMW or an Audi like mine
7. If you live in a town with really good roads and never use the country roads, get yourself a really big 4 x 4 to make yourself feel more important, which of course you are.

🎬 Conclusion

And that’s how you drive properly in Spain. If everyone else would just do the same… traffic would be perfect.. 

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Whatever you need to know about moving to Spain or living here, you’ll find very helpful, accurate articles & videos on YouTooSpain, some of them are quite a lot of fun too, and if you can’t find what you need, just ask. 
Peas & Fluff!

Article by Skatz