Are you an expat or an immigrant? I have news for you, you’re all immigrants! And it’s about time we all stopped feeling like entitled expats and started calling ourselves immigrants. Here are the Gameshow answers to the crucial questions in this long-running debate.

Prefer to watch the video? Click above. For the gameshow script, carry on reading!

Skatz: Expat or Immigrant, which one are you? Those two words have only slightly different definitions, but when they appear on the newspage, on people’s lips and on TV, they open a huge can of worms! Not only that, but I’m going to stick my neck out and say that the whole Brexit mess happened because of the way we use those two words. There’s a good chance some people aren’t going to like this, but I’m going to persevere, because I have an idea to solve the problem.

Walter: What, solve Brexit?

S: No, that would be like trying to get a bag of flour and half a dozen eggs out of a very large and messy cake. 

S: So I’m going to solve the expat or immigrant conundrum!

Tommy: It’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma!

S: That’s right, so let’s start with a quiz shall we?!

Skatz (the game show host): Hello and welcome to ‘Expat or Immigrant’, the show that gives you the answers you really don’t want to hear! Our contestants today are… Walter from up north.

W: Helloooo!

S: And Tommy from down south.

T: Oi oi!

S: Let’s get straight on with round one. I’ll give you an example of a person, and you shout out whether you would call them an expat or an immigrant. Okay? If you have an answer at home, write it in the comments. Are you all ready? Here goes…
Number 1 is a Doctor from India who’s travelled to France to further his medical studies. Expat or immigrant?

T: Immigrant!

W: He’s an immigrant, I think.

S: You’re both wrong, she’s an expat, and she’s also a woman, but that’s a whole other game show. Fingers on buzzers again, Number 2 is an American who’s working at the German branch of an American tech company. Expat or Immigrant?

T: That’s easy, he’s an expat.

W: Expat!

S: You’re both correct, he is an expat, and here’s a picture of him 

T: Immigrant!

S: I’m sorry, I can only take your first answer. Number 3 is an Australian who’s in the UK working in a nightclub.

W: He’s an upside down expat.

T: Is he a woman as well?

S: Wrong, he’s an expat. Walter gets a point for that one.

W: Ooh I like points.

S: Number 4 is an Indonesian woman who’s a hotel employee in Italy.

T: Immigrant!

W: Immigrant?

S: Wrong again, she’s an expat.

T: What?

S: Number 5 is a Polish man who’s working as a builder in the UK.

T: He’s an Eastern European immigrant!

W: Erm… I’m not sure.

S: Sorry, I’m going to have to time you out, Walter.

W: Immigrant?

S: Wrong, he’s an expat too. One more question in this round, Number 6 is a Tunisian woman in Spain selling African trinkets to tourists. 

T: Definitely an immigrant!

W: I’m not sure of anything anymore… expat?

S: Well done, Walter, she is indeed, by definition, an expat!

T: Not in my definition!

S: Then you’ve got the wrong dictionary, Tommy, they were all expats because they’re living outside of their native country.

W: So why do we call some of them expats and some of them immigrants?

S: Well, that is the million dollar question, Walter… 

S: … and it depends on who’s giving the answers, and right now it’s me. That’s twenty bonus points for Walter.

T: What for?

S: Because I like the look of him, and that goes a long way in this game. 

W: That’s not very fair, but I’m not complaining. 

S: Let’s move on then to round two. Fingers on buzzers. Number 1 is a Doctor from India who’s moved to France to further his medical studies. Expat or immigrant?

T: You already asked that in round 1, ‘she’ is an expat.

W: Expat.

S: Wrong, she’s an immigrant.

T: You said she was an expat!

S: Ah, but this is round two, and round two is all about giving the answers from a different point of view.

W: Who’s point of view?

S: That’s for me to know and you to find out, fingers on buzzers, Number 2 is an American who’s working at the German branch of an American tech company.

T: Is he a Mexican?

S: No, he’s as American as mom’s apple pie so I’m going to have to deduct a point from you there, Tommy.

T: What for?

S: Because that’s my privilege! What’s your answer Walter?

W: Expat?

S: Wrong I’m afraid, he’s an immigrant.

T: He don’t look like one!

S: Ten bonus point for Tommy!

W: Why?

S: For hitting the nail on the head, and that’s the end of round two.

W: That was quick.

S: Well, you don’t want to spend too much time listening to other people’s points of view, now do you? And finally, it’s the quick fire question round. Remember, each question is worth double points if you press the white button and give the correct answer.

W: Well that’s handy, the white button is much bigger!

S: Question 1: When you call yourself an expat and the Indian doctor an immigrant, what exactly are you implying?

T: Nothing, this Indian geezer’s probably alright.

S: Probably?

T: Well, you know, you’d probably have to check him out first.

S: I see. And the expat?

T: Well, you know what you get with an expat, dontcha?

S: I think I’m beginning to see that yes. Question 2: An expat and an immigrant walk into a posh restaurant, which one gets the best table?

T: The expat of course, the immigrant’s probably on his way to work in the kitchen.

W: How do you know that?

T: Cos he’s an immigrant, he’s probably an illegal what’s smuggled himself into our country!

S: Hmmm. Question 3, what if I said ‘the restaurant is in Barcelona, and you are the immigrant’?

T: No! No!

W: I’ve never worked in a kitchen.

S: You’ve never had to, because you’re the expat.

W: Ooh!

S: But you’re also an immigrant.

W: Awwww!

S: Question 4, that reaction says it all.

T: That’s not a question!

S: But what’s the answer?

W: I don’t know!

S: Question 5, if we all called everyone that lived outside their native country an immigrant, would that solve the problem?

T: I don’t see the problem!

S: And that’s the problem. Ten bonus points for Tommy!

T: Oi oi!

S: However, I’m going to have to deduct a hundred points for being a privileged, white, Western man.

T: That’s not fair!

S: Suck it up, Tommy! You’re an immigrant.

T: What about you, you’re the same as me!

S: Not quite, I’m happy to be called an immigrant.

W: So why do you keep on putting out videos about expats?

S: You’ve got me there, Walter. Maybe I’m a hypocrite, or maybe I’m just a slave to the internet algorithms. Either way, I’m capable of change, and change has to happen if we’re all going to live together in peace and respect each other.

T: Snowflake!

S: Yes, I am beautiful and individual, thank you Tommy.

W: I’m going to take my immigrant self off for a bit of immigrant fish & chips!

S: Ah, some things will never change!

T: I need a drink!

S: Chill out Tommy, it’s the immigrant thing to do.

T: Did I win the quiz?

S: No, it was just a device to entertain while making a serious point. And you ended up with no points at all.

T: Do you think I can change?

S: I have my doubts, but we can always hope. Peace & Love everybody.

W: Peas & Fluff

T: Oi Oi!

S: Let’s dance!

Article by Skatz, with a little help from Walter & Tommy.